…when I feel like I’m falling apart at the seams?

I don’t mean to be self-deprecating, but I just don’t get it. How does everyone else do it? How can they walk around all happy, buying Christmas gifts, when I feel like I’m crumbling inside? I feel like I’m stressing constantly, even if I only have one thing to do in an entire day. I can’t eat, bathe or – more importantly – feel anything. I walk around feeling empty. Constantly. And I don’t know what to do about it. If I try to tell someone about it I can’t seem to explain it properly. It always ends up sounding like I’m complaining about the cold and that I have to go somewhere four days a week for two and a half hours. Every person I know works every day for longer than that and yet they don’t complain. Why is that? How do they make it all fit? How do they go do their jobs and still have time to go Christmas shopping, and be happy, and shower and eat three meals a day? How?

How I envy them…

I’m more or less used to feeling down this time of year, but usually I at least got to indulge myself in my miserability. Not this year. No, this year I have to be clearheaded and ON. My head has to be “in the game” as they say, so I can write resumes and job applications, even when I’m feeling most vulnerable and broken… I’m not really complaining, because I do know that the world doesn’t stop if I do, and I do need to find a job before it’s too late, it’s just…it’s not fair.
Really not fair.