For this post to make sense I need to tell you that I recently rearranged my apartment…
I’m sitting in my now very organized apartment and I feel strangely at peace. More than I’ve ever been before. And it’s strange because I’ve been a creature of chaos my whole life. I’ve always struggled to understand the need for order and cleanliness the rest of the world seemed to share. And even as an adult there were still parts of the regular household chores I just couldn’t bring myself to do. When it got too bad my parents would come and help me do a sweep, and when they left – even though I appreciated their help and logically knew that this was good for me – I would freak out because it was too clean. My point is: I’ve always needed some chaos around me to feel at home, but right now I’ve just sat down fron doing the dishes and cleaning up after dinner (something which I’m almost never able to do without someone making me) and this feels good.
I’m content…and it’s freaking me out!
Who would have thought that a simple dinner with friends could feel like that? At the moment I am hiding in a bedroom, trying to get away from all the people. Officially I’m taking “pause” – which means letting myself cool down and recharge – but that’s not what’s actually happening. So far from it. My heart is beating like it’s trying to get out of my chest and in stead of calming down my mind has actually sped up.
See, this is not actually my dinner. Without getting into specifics, my mother is cooking for 19 people and since I live here (temporarily) I feel I need/want to help. Not to mention the fact that the dinner is for me too. So my brain (and my personality) want to help, but inside I’m panicking. So every time my mother can spare me I slip in here to “pause”. But the thing is, I CAN’T “pause”. I’m constantly on edge, my ears poised, waiting for my mother to need me again. Because I don’t want to ruin it by staying in here too long. But on the other hand I can’t handle more than a minute out there without needing a break.
I don’t care what anyone says. This is the definition of hell…
…and I still don’t know what to write, but I thought I’d write this first one just to try it out.
Ok, so, I’ve felt like an outsider all my life. Even with my family, though I love them so much. When I was a kid I had this idea that I was actually an alien sent to spy on the human race, to observe and report back when the time was right, because that’s what it felt like. I’ve never felt like one of them. I’ve spent my whole life trying to figure out how to be more human (or “normal”, if you like). And that’s where tv-shows came into play for me. See, I could watch people at dinners or (the dreaded) parties as well, but I was always running the risk that I’d be drawn into a conversation where I knew I didn’t belong and where I’d feel like a fool for not knowing even the smallest piece of information. I hated it. That look between the others that meant I’d said something slightly wrong and me not having the slightest clue of what it is. And I couldn’t ask, because A) that would make me look even more wierd and B) since it was (appearently) such a small thing people around me would never mention it, even if I asked, rather just shrugging it off. I still have no idea what I said. I imagine it was something like confusing Cashmere, the fabric, with Kashmir, the Danish band… But tv-shows saved me from that. I was able to observe and learn “normal” behavior from the comfort of my room, watching it over and over again until I was satisfied. FRIENDS was my first (and longest) obsession. I still watch it when I feel sad and lonely (and the world no longer makes sense)… But soon came others. I now have a great collection of shows, both in my apartment, in my PC and in my mind, and that’s even without mentioning the storylines.
Yes, at some point I realized that some lovestories are too good to be confined inside a show, so I found a couple (in the beginning mostly from soaps) and started collecting. I have some het (hetero) ones, but mostly I must admit I find fascination with gay storylines. I don’t know why but I like them. It’s not from personal experience, because I honestly don’t know what I’d label myself, I can tell you that much…
Well, that’s a little about me. I don’t know if anyone is ever going to read this, mostly I’m just writing this for me, but if anyone does, don’t be pissed if months pass without a word from me. It’s just my nature. Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim and ADHD’ers need different projects from time to time 🙂