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Non-descript…

I feel like crap.

I know there are a lot of really great things going on in my life right now, but honestly? Right now I can’t feel a thing. Other than utter despair that is…

I look in the mirror and I don’t like what I see. My skin is so dry it’s flaking, my hair’s a mess and I just bled through my jeans and into my sofa…

I’ve tried doing what I usually do to help myself get out of this funk, but it’s not working. I turn on my shows and start playing the games I like and I just get restless and want to turn them off. I tried talking to my friend and my mother, but nothing helps. I just feel miserable. So this is the last resort. Getting things down “on paper” – so to speak – usually helps, but I’m not sure it will this time…

I don’t know what’s wrong… Everything in my life seems to go so well, but I just want to curl up into a ball and cry.

Maybe this is just because I’m having my period, I don’t know, but…that’s just it. I don’t know. I don’t know myself anymore and it’s freaking frustrating. Two years ago (just about) I could tell you everything about myself. Down on the deepest psychological level. I knew then – without a doubt – what my goals and – most importantly – my limitations were. Now? All I see is some girl. A succesful, capable girl, I might add, but still…not me. Not the person I used to know. I’ve changed so much recently and sometimes I really wish I could go back.

I don’t know if I can handle this. I’m faced with challenges right now where it would really help to know myself a little better, to know my limitations, but…I just can’t see it…

…when I feel like I’m falling apart at the seams?

I don’t mean to be self-deprecating, but I just don’t get it. How does everyone else do it? How can they walk around all happy, buying Christmas gifts, when I feel like I’m crumbling inside? I feel like I’m stressing constantly, even if I only have one thing to do in an entire day. I can’t eat, bathe or – more importantly – feel anything. I walk around feeling empty. Constantly. And I don’t know what to do about it. If I try to tell someone about it I can’t seem to explain it properly. It always ends up sounding like I’m complaining about the cold and that I have to go somewhere four days a week for two and a half hours. Every person I know works every day for longer than that and yet they don’t complain. Why is that? How do they make it all fit? How do they go do their jobs and still have time to go Christmas shopping, and be happy, and shower and eat three meals a day? How?

How I envy them…

I’m more or less used to feeling down this time of year, but usually I at least got to indulge myself in my miserability. Not this year. No, this year I have to be clearheaded and ON. My head has to be “in the game” as they say, so I can write resumes and job applications, even when I’m feeling most vulnerable and broken… I’m not really complaining, because I do know that the world doesn’t stop if I do, and I do need to find a job before it’s too late, it’s just…it’s not fair.
Really not fair.

Træt…

(this is going to be in danish. I’m too tired to translate…)

Jeg er ikke god til det med at få venner. Det har jeg konstateret her til aften. Det troede jeg ellers at jeg var. Jeg havde forstået det som om man bare skulle finde en person som smilte varmt til en når man så på dem og som man delte en interesse med. Men det er tydeligvis ikke nok. Vejen til venskab er overdrysset med sociale bomber. Med mig er problemet (tror jeg) at jeg enten virker asocial og sky eller desperat efter venskab. Men hvad skal jeg gøre, det er ikke fordi der er nogen der har skrevet en behjælpningsbog om emnet! Jeg fungerer bedst når jeg kan være mig selv når jeg er med andre og ikke behøve at overanalysere om hvad de siger er hvad de mener, eller om de bare prøver på at være høflige. Det kan jeg med mine søskende og med mine to venner. Jeg tror jeg holder mig til dem. Resten af verden er bare alt for svær at forstå sig på.

Udover det er jeg træt af at for evigt være fanget i midt-i-mellem land. Jeg er ikke handicappet nok til at faktisk kunne bruge det som en undskyldning for at ikke kunne gøre ting (og at ikke endgang prøve). Dette har mine forældre gjort rasende klart. Men uanset hvor meget jeg prøver kan jeg bare ikke komme ind i de “normale”s verden. Der er stadig små sociale ting der holder mig tilbage socialt. Dette gjorde mine (nu forhenværende) klassekammerater på min tidligere skole mig tydeligt. Jeg kan ikke engang komme på et ADHD møde, fordi jeg bare ville ende med at skulle forklare hvor godt det egentligt går for mig (i sammenligning med mange af de andre medlemmer af gruppen), og det ville føles som at prale…

Jeg passer ikke ind nogen steder og jeg er enormt træt af det…

New systems…

Ok, usually I put these kind of posts in a private folder, but I felt like sharing a little bit of what a life with ADHD might entail.

See, I’ll soon be starting a class in business school, and I need to be prepared beforehand. Like, with how I schedule my day and my week so that I can get my homework done, my lunch prepared and not overlook or skip my training. So these days I’m training to find the best system for me. I need to figure out one that isn’t too demanding or stressful, one that feels like I’d do it that way anyway, but still gets results.

In my previous school days I failed because I’m a bit of a perfectionist. Not the smartest thing to be when you’re diagnosed with ADHD, I know, but still… I’d feel like I needed to complete the full assignment and when that didn’t happen I felt it necessary to pile whatever I didn’t do on top of the homework for the next day. You can see how that soon became a problem. I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders, and I soon quit because of it.

So this time I need to try to limit my tasks to the actual minimum. What is most important that I get done? Since I haven’t started yet I don’t know if it’ll work, but I’ll update you.

Now, the training is something relatively new in my life. Getting out and running is something most people have a problem getting done, and so do I, but it’s more than that. Getting out and walking in the morning also ensures that I bathe every day. That I eat better and at regular intervals and basically that I get a structure that’s very good for a person like me. Losing my morning walks would not be good.

So how do I solve the problem of needing a walk in the morning, shower, breakfast and the preparing of lunch and STILL show up at school at 8.30 AM? Well, right now I’m trying out a system that has me going to bed at 10PM and getting up at 5AM. I know it sounds nuts, getting up that early, but these last few days it has actually worked. And it’s kinda nice. Seeing the day at its earliest :-)

So this is the plan so far:
9PM: Prepare for bed (dishwashing, tidying, brushing teeth, etc.)
10PM: Go to bed.

5AM: Wake up. Make my bed. Have breakfast.
5.30AM: Go out walking
6AM: Walk back (alarm)
6.30AM: Take quick bath. Eat quick snack. Drink water
7AM: Prepare lunch. Pack bag. Get dressed.
7.30AM: Go to school
8.30AM: Class
10AM: Break. Eat healthy snack.
10.20AM: Class
11.50AM: Break. Eat lunch

And that’s as far as I’ve gotten for now. Not that I actually think anyone is reading this, but I’ll keep updating this (for me at least) when I figure out more…

Chaos or Order?

For this post to make sense I need to tell you that I recently rearranged my apartment…

I’m sitting in my now very organized apartment and I feel strangely at peace. More than I’ve ever been before. And it’s strange because I’ve been a creature of chaos my whole life. I’ve always struggled to understand the need for order and cleanliness the rest of the world seemed to share. And even as an adult there were still parts of the regular household chores I just couldn’t bring myself to do. When it got too bad my parents would come and help me do a sweep, and when they left – even though I appreciated their help and logically knew that this was good for me – I would freak out because it was too clean. My point is: I’ve always needed some chaos around me to feel at home, but right now I’ve just sat down fron doing the dishes and cleaning up after dinner (something which I’m almost never able to do without someone making me) and this feels good.

I’m content…and it’s freaking me out!

Warzone

Who would have thought that a simple dinner with friends could feel like that? At the moment I am hiding in a bedroom, trying to get away from all the people. Officially I’m taking “pause” – which means letting myself cool down and recharge – but that’s not what’s actually happening. So far from it. My heart is beating like it’s trying to get out of my chest and in stead of calming down my mind has actually sped up.

See, this is not actually my dinner. Without getting into specifics, my mother is cooking for 19 people and since I live here (temporarily) I feel I need/want to help. Not to mention the fact that the dinner is for me too. So my brain (and my personality) want to help, but inside I’m panicking. So every time my mother can spare me I slip in here to “pause”. But the thing is, I CAN’T “pause”. I’m constantly on edge, my ears poised, waiting for my mother to need me again. Because I don’t want to ruin it by staying in here too long. But on the other hand I can’t handle more than a minute out there without needing a break.

I don’t care what anyone says. This is the definition of hell…

I’m new at this…

…and I still don’t know what to write, but I thought I’d write this first one just to try it out.

Ok, so, I’ve felt like an outsider all my life. Even with my family, though I love them so much. When I was a kid I had this idea that I was actually an alien sent to spy on the human race, to observe and report back when the time was right, because that’s what it felt like. I’ve never felt like one of them. I’ve spent my whole life trying to figure out how to be more human (or “normal”, if you like). And that’s where tv-shows came into play for me. See, I could watch people at dinners or (the dreaded) parties as well, but I was always running the risk that I’d be drawn into a conversation where I knew I didn’t belong and where I’d feel like a fool for not knowing even the smallest piece of information. I hated it. That look between the others that meant I’d said something slightly wrong and me not having the slightest clue of what it is. And I couldn’t ask, because A) that would make me look even more wierd and B) since it was (appearently) such a small thing people around me would never mention it, even if I asked, rather just shrugging it off. I still have no idea what I said. I imagine it was something like confusing Cashmere, the fabric, with Kashmir, the Danish band… But tv-shows saved me from that. I was able to observe and learn “normal” behavior from the comfort of my room, watching it over and over again until I was satisfied. FRIENDS was my first (and longest) obsession. I still watch it when I feel sad and lonely (and the world no longer makes sense)… But soon came others. I now have a great collection of shows, both in my apartment, in my PC and in my mind, and that’s even without mentioning the storylines.

Yes, at some point I realized that some lovestories are too good to be confined inside a show, so I found a couple (in the beginning mostly from soaps) and started collecting. I have some het (hetero) ones, but mostly I must admit I find fascination with gay storylines. I don’t know why but I like them. It’s not from personal experience, because I honestly don’t know what I’d label myself, I can tell you that much…

Well, that’s a little about me. I don’t know if anyone is ever going to read this, mostly I’m just writing this for me, but if anyone does, don’t be pissed if months pass without a word from me. It’s just my nature. Birds gotta fly, fish gotta swim and ADHD’ers need different projects from time to time :)  

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